What happened to the “Stanford Survivor” embodies the worst fear of all parents with young women in college. Brock Turner does not look like the boogie man. He’s not some crazy guy drinking 40 oz. out of a paper bag, roaming the streets looking for his next victim. Nope. He looks like someone who may have taken your daughter to prom. These guys don’t have a scarlet “R” plastered to their foreheads warning us they may rape at any moment. Just waiting for the next injured lamb away from the herd. So how do we spot them? How would we know if they were dating our daughter’s? Hopefully, this will help.
Illicit Drug Use
When it was revealed that Brock Turner had a history of illegal drug use I wasn’t shocked at all. In fact, I was surprised that others were surprised. Of course, he did. He’s fueling his impulsivity. He needs the high. He’s seeking the next thrill. He could care less that it’s illegal. Does that mean everyone who uses marijuana a rapist? Absolutely not. Should you be concerned if your daughter’s boyfriend is looking to score a joint laced with LSD. Yep. Not a good sign.
Disrespectful Towards Women
Just as I can guarantee you Brock Turned had used illicit drugs, I can guarantee you he’s disrespectful to women. This may seem obvious. Clearly he violated this young woman’s body with absolutely no regard for her as a spiritual being. Your daughter’s boyfriend might start by showing this disrespect in little ways. Maybe by standing her up for dates. Eventually leading up to completely embarrassing or demoralizing her in front of others. Her feelings simply don’t matter. She’s subservient to him; there only to satisfy his needs. Just like a victim is to a rapist.
Narcissist
How about that narcissist? Have you ever met that kid? I bet you have. You know, the one who believes he’s God’s gift to the world. At eighteen years old this kid believes he knows more about the world than you could ever hope to know. We generally think of him as the proverbial spoiled brat. Again, do all spoiled brats become rapists? Nope. But lots of spoiled brats have been raping lots of young women on college campus’ for many years. Oh … and their parents have paid good money to get them out of trouble all of their lives. Not good boyfriend material.
Controlling
Is your daughter constantly checking her phone? Ok … I know stupid question. But does she seem to be annoyed or upset at the number of times a day her boyfriend is calling, texting, snapping, etc? Or does she freak out about getting back to him right away because she’s scared to make him mad? Does he seem to be demanding an unreasonable amount of her time? These are clues. This isn’t love, it’s infatuation. It’s control. It’s the very beginning stages of a boy, who will grow to be a man, who feels the need to control a woman. When that need is not fulfilled, that boy/man can quickly become violent.
Social Media Posts
What kind of social media posts does her boyfriend share? Let’s start with … are you following him on social media? No? You need to. Yes, I know the arguments … I trust my daughter, yadda, yadda. This isn’t about your daughter. It’s about the men in her life. If her boyfriend is posting demeaning, vulgar and violent comments/pictures/videos about women online, how do you think he views women? How do you think he sees your daughter? Once again I would bet (maybe I need a trip to Vegas?) if you had access to Brock Turner’s social media you would see some nasty stuff. I doubt you’ll have access to your daughter’s boyfriend’s computer, but if we had access to Brock Turner’s, I can guarantee you he has an overwhelming amount of pornography, some of which would be violent.
Chameleon
Then there’s the chameleon. He’s the most dangerous. Ted Bundy kind of dangerous. To you, and in front of others, he may seem great. But behind closed doors, he’s someone else. This boy will be involved in serious dating violence. To include physically striking his girlfriend. Note, that he’s smart enough not to punch where you’ll see bruises. He’ll also have psychologically beaten his girlfriend down systematically, controlling her every move, until she believes she can’t tell. If you find out this is your daughter’s boyfriend seek help from law enforcement immediately. Dating violence should not be taken lightly. Just like in marriages that involve domestic violence, the victim is most at risk when she finally decides to leave.
Having the Hard Conversations
These are all clues. Some at the early stages, may not seem like not a big deal. Deciding to have this conversation with your daughter isn’t easy. You might start to question yourself … am I picking the right battle? Am I overreacting? Yes, it’s the right battle and who cares if you’re overreacting. I sat in a room with too many parents who were overwhelmed with guilt because they couldn’t find the courage to have that hard conversation, and as a result their daughter was victimized.
It’s much easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend like there’s not a problem. But when we do that we show our kids we’re not available for the tough talks, the scary talks. If your daughter sees you literally dig a hole in the sand and plant your head in it, she’ll never come to you when she’s in danger. Have that hard conversation. She may not like it, but it’s our job to protect our daughters. When we do, they grow into strong women, who aren’t scared of the hard conversations.
This post originally appeared on Medium.
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Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
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